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"One Last Goodbye"

  There I stood at the edge of the bed as I gazed down upon my dearest friend Jamie. I looked at her with gentle eyes as I stood unmoving. I loved her dearly. More than she would ever know. Could ever know. It was too late to tell her. too late to let her know how I felt. I wish I had more time with her. As I look down at her eyes resting gently on her unmoving face, I can't help but feel a tear streaming down my cheek. I'm reminded of how kind of a person she was.

She was the kind of person to give someone money if they really needed it. She always made everyone around her feel seen, feel heard. And the way I remember her when there was a cute dog nearby. She'd be so full of life, running over and asking to pet the dog and seeing the dog climb to her leg and she'd pet and love on that dog. Those memories were beautiful. Memories I would never again experience with her.

The room I stood in was surrounded by darkness, similar to how I felt inside. Hollow and empty. There was no one else around. I assumed everyone else must be sleeping restfully in their beds. It was late so it made sense. I just wanted more time with her before I had to walk away and say goodbye forever. I knelt down and gently placed a kiss on her forehead. Or at least I wanted to. I didn't want to disturb her. She looked so peaceful. I'm sure she was exhausted from all the people that came by to see her. I didn't want to add to that.

Looking down at her, I'm reminded of the time we spent together. She was my first kiss, you know. We were twelve and together at the park. We didn't think of each other that way, we were just curious. I reflect on that from time to time. A meaningless gesture that would later turn into blossoming love later as we were in college. She and I had been friends for so long and loved each other even longer. She filled me with peace every time she looked at me. When she smiled I melted.

We had a beautiful and unforgettable history together. That's why I couldn't forgive myself for what happened that night. I can't imagine how she could ever forgive me. If she ever did. I didn't know, I hadn't spoken to her since that night. Poor Jamie, thinking I disappeared, that I ran away from her. The thought of it broke my heart. If only she knew. If only I could tell her.

You see, a few months ago, I was driving home from work. We had been fighting earlier that day. It was over something small like me not taking out the trash and it turned into a fight about me not being thoughtful, not doing anything around the house, not helping her out. And she was right. In the moment I was defensive when we fought, but she was right. That's why I stopped by a flower shop on the way home later on that day. I wanted to apologize, to show her I still loved her, that I was thinking about her. But the flowers tipped over in the passenger seat. I went to fix them and I didn't see the truck until the last second. I swerved to miss it. My car ended up in the water just below the bridge. They never found me. Maybe they never looked. Jamie never heard anything. Jamie thought I had ran away.

"I'm right here, Jamie!" I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so bad. I wanted so badly for her to know that I died that night. That I still loved her. That I had come back. I wanted to take her with me. I missed her. I wanted for her to see me again, to know that I still love her. That the knife behind my back wasn't to hurt her, but for our love to grow. I hope she understands.

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